


Last Week of School

by solid_smiles



Category: SF9 (Band)
Genre: Jaeseong, M/M, may trigger some people, one made up character so I don't make sf9 members evil, slight angst, slight mature content, two blind idiots in love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-11
Updated: 2018-04-11
Packaged: 2019-04-21 12:32:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14284989
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solid_smiles/pseuds/solid_smiles
Summary: You know you’re uncontrollably in love when you know it’s dangerous yet you still go for it. It’s like walking on thin ice towards a target. The closer you get, the more dangerous it becomes. Slowly slide away to the nearest solid ground when you find yourself in this situation. Never run for it.Jaeyoon took the warning. But does he abide to the rules?In which Jaeyoon shares his story of how he gave up everything for Inseong.





	1. Prologue

**Just in case this diary lands in the hands of anyone, this section of my autobiography is for Kim Inseong.**

Hello, I am Lee Jaeyoon and the next 10 entries will describe the process of how my seven days of misery turned into my lifelong fantasy.

Kim Inseong and I had met since middle school. We met by coincidence, when I lost my parents one year and had to move in with my only friend, Youngbin.

Although we study in the same school, we never really reached out to build our relationship, not when we see each other in the nearby convenience stores, not when we attend assemblies in school, not even when we applied for the same university. 

I thought our relationship will stay as classmates and freinds forever. I thought there was no need for any kind of change. I was happy enough.

But that was all a lie.

Maybe it started when I heard him sing in school’s music festival. Maybe it started when we took swimming classes together and I saw him half-naked. Or maybe it started the second I saw the stars and the moon in his brown, shiny orbs.

Regardless of when it started, the problem grew, and when I realised, it was too late.

I am uncontrollably in love with Kim Inseong.


	2. Day 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And it hurts. It hurts to watch Inseong smile at boys that aren’t me; it hurts when some girl touches him or bumps into him and says it was an “accident”. It feels like layers and layers or thick cloth tries to suffocate my heart – a feeling that is worse than being stabbed.

**Saturday, July 7**

 

Despite summer just being around the corner, our school continues hosting the Saturday club activities for those I-paid-my-school-fees-so-I-have-to-use-them-all-up students, or those school-is-all-my-life-and-I-dedicate-all-my-time-to-extra-activites-just-because-I-want-to students.

Under normal circumstances, I would love to call myself the second type, but after Inseong graduates this year, I wouldn’t have to impress anyone by pretending to be a good student anymore.

As usual, I was one of the first ones in English class. It wasn’t like I got to choose when my roommate, Youngbin hyung, decides to wake up hella early and go to work hella early, leaving me no choice but to wake up hella early and go to school hella early, too.

I looked out the classroom window – the one that gives me the perfect view of the university car park – and watched Youngbin hyung leave the school gates while my crush took over his parking space.

When the professor started taking attendance, half of the class was missing. That was expected, since what was the point of coming to school now? But I still came, because I know _he_ would.

“Kim Inseong?” The professor regarded with a boring tone.

“Here, professor Lee.” Inseong replied with his honey sweet voice – it had only been a day but I already miss it– that is like music to my ears. 

I rested my head on my palms and heaved a sigh. English lessons are too involved for a stupid person like me anyways. So instead, I spent the whole lesson staring at something that actually matters: my world.

As usual, he took out his lime coloured utensils – he color-codes his notebooks and folders and worksheets for different subjects – and started taking notes. 

And as usual, I admired the way his eyes widen when he hears something of interest; the way he frowns when the teacher speaks too quickly; the way he switches different coloured pens for his more-than-organised notes; the way he writes furiously with pen and paper while others use their laptops to watch porn secretly; the way he smiles when he answers, or, for that matter, asks questions that are off-syllabus. 

Of course, all I got to see was half his face because I sat behind him, but I never get bored. I chose to sit on his left side, because I want to prove to him that “I think my right profile looks better” is bullshit, and that there’s no such thing as “better” for someone as flawless as Inseong. 

Reading back at what I wrote, it makes me sound like a stalker or a pervert. But I’m not. I don’t have the desire to own him or anything. I’m just trying to look at him when I still have the chance, so I don’t forget that something so beautiful ever appeared in my life.

I know it’s wrong to develop such strong feelings for a stranger–I’m nothing to him _,_ and he’s defenitely nothing to me either –but I finally realised, just as God did, that I’ve been spending too much time on him that I’m too attached to pull away at this point.

If I’m not meant to be with him, then why did God put him in front of me? I need to stop looking at him. It’s stupid that I even paid attention to him in the first place. That’s it. I need to stop being so addicted.

But I just cannot control myself. I’m scared of never being able to see him again, after the seven days end. So I keep doing what I did for years.

After three hours of analysing poetry, I followed Inseong into the art room. I had to hide behind lockers occasionally because there are always those few students who decide it was great to stop Inseong just to attempt – and to no avail – to win him over in a matter of minutes.

Well, I’ve been trying to do that since middle school, and I think I know clear enough what it takes – and what it doesn’t – to make Inseong pay attention to you for just a second.

And it hurts. It hurts to watch Inseong smile at boys that aren’t me; it hurts when some girl touches him or bumps into him and says it was an “accident”. It feels like layers and layers or thick cloth tries to suffocate my heart – a feeling that is worse than being stabbed.

What hurts most is how scared I am to even share eye contact with him. I’m such a coward that I don’t think I even deserve to feel envious.

My brain tells me to give up. It hurts less to be heartbroken now than to be left hanging on a thread, because then you wouldn’t know how long the thread can hold on to you before it lets you fall endlessly. The truth is written in big bold letters: it’s never going to be a “happily ever after” ending, there’s no point in trying.

You see, my brain tells me stuff, but my heart never listens.

I still smile whenever I see him. My heart still races whenever his hand brushes with mine. Every cell of my body still reacts when he does something as simple as saying “hello”. My legs bring me away whenever he tries to start a conversation with me.

I’m walking on thin ice. I’m attracted to Inseong like how the moon is attracted to Earth. Every step I take is more dangerous than the last. I don’t want to continue, but at the same time I do.

It has been at least six years, and I’m still that pathetic Lee Jaeyoon.


	3. Day 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The queue was shorter than I thought and in ten minutes I found myself strapped tightly onto one of the seats on the highway to hell.

**Sunday, July 8**

I mean, I get it. Just five more days and no more lectures, no more projects, no more due dates, no more annoying teachers who stop you from taking naps in class. 

But you get two months of no school, no friends, no annoying the teachers, and no Inseong.

Plus, this is the last school year I can spend with him, since he’s graduating.

So I hated this Sunday even more, because it was eating up my already scarce time. I had nothing to do and I didn’t want to do anything except to see my friends! (and my crush of course)

Luckily, Youngbin hyung saved my poor soul. 

“Jaeyoon!” I could hear his footsteps coming up to my bedroom. “Jaeyoon!” 

“Yes hyung?” I opened my door and came face to face with his phone. 

Before I could read what he wanted to show me, Youngbin took his phone away and it was replaced with words in CAPITAL LETTERS.

“WE’RE GOING TO THE EVERLAND TODAY, NO BUTS! AND BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING ABOUT THE TICKETS, MY FRIEND GOT FREE ENTRY SO WE’RE GOING. NOW.” 

If someone screamed at me like this on a Sunday morning before nine, I would’ve slapped him. But he made it hard for me to use violence on him when he looked like a five-year-old. 

So instead I closed the door after muttering, “I’ll be ready in ten”, and started getting ready. I couldn’t help but smile as I changed into outdoor clothing – at least I could distract myself for the day and have fun. 

- 

When we got off Youngbin’s car, I realised how wrong I was. 

Right in front of the park entrance stood a familiar-looking brown haired guy. As we neared him, I made out his face. A face I can never forget because I literally used half my life looking at it and it was probably carved into my heart already.

Kim Inseong. 

Just in case, I told myself, just in case it wasn’t him. I had to make sure. I stopped walking suddenly, causing Youngbin to halt as well. 

“What’s the matter?”

“Hyung, who’s the friend you were talking about?”

“He’s called Kim Inseong, and he has a part time job in the place I work. Why?” Youngbin turned to face me. “Jaeyoon, are you okay? You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

I shook my head quickly, putting a smile on my face, and tried to act like nothing was wrong when I was pretty sure my heart couldn’t withstand the shock since it was beating like I ran a marathon.

Youngbin seemed too out-of-the-zone to care about me, so he ended up half-dragging me towards the entrance.

I was sweating so much once we reached Inseong, I got so nervous. I never talked to him before, and I was certain I would embarrass myself.

“Youngbin!” Immediately Inseong greeted him with a warm hug, and then he turned to me.

“You must be Jaeyoon, right? I remember you from school. You do modelling for the art club, don’t you?” Inseong smiled, and it wasn’t those fake smiles from when you meet someone new either. It was like he genuinely wanted to talk to me and make friends. He spoke with such sincerity maybe we wouldn’t be so awkward in school anymore, and then when he graduates maybe we will still keep in contact because we’d be best friends by then…

Jaeyoon, stop stop stop. You’re supposed to answer him, not stand there imagining things that wouldn’t happen.

“Oh, um, yes. Well, not really… Many people just use me as a model because I don’t move as much as others, and I have the patience, and yeah haha.” I managed to stop myself from rambling, but really, I was so scared I kept avoiding his gaze.

But damn, can you believe it? He actually notices me in school!

I think Inseong was about to reply when Youngbin pulled us both inside. He certainly acted more eager than I thought he would be.

We started playing some rides, and I was glad I was still in one piece by noon. I knew how… aggressive these rides could be, and I was planning to make an excuse to leave early (as much as I don’t want to after Inseong and I become somewhat friends) when Youngbin suggested, with such optimism, “LET’S PLAY DOUBLE ROCK SPIN!!!”

Inseong agreed instantaneously, whilst I smiled nervously.

Youngbin seemed to catch my reluctance, so he asked, “Jaeyoon, are you sure you’ll be okay?”

Inseong looked puzzled, but I’m not about to let him know I’m afraid of _heights._

“Yea, I’ll be fine.”

- 

I’m not fine.

The queue was shorter than I thought and in ten minutes I found myself strapped tightly onto one of the seats on the highway to hell.

Cold sweat dripped from my forehead to my hands, and I feel sorry for the next guy who sits on my seat, because it would be soaked wet. My heart seemed to be dead yet alive at times. One second it beats at 200 bpm, and the next it skip a few beats and I wouldn’t be surprised if I passed out right then.

Youngbin and Inseong sat on either sides of me, but it no longer meant anything for me. What even made me think I’d be fine?! I was such an idiot. It wasn’t like Inseong would be _impressed_ if I weren’t afraid of heights.

Why was I so ignominious?

I heard something like an engine, and that’s when I knew I was going to be flung into the sky soon. 

“Hey, Jaeyoon.” Suddenly, I felt a warm hand gently placed on my clenched fists.

The safety straps blocked all our views, so I couldn’t see his face. But I could recognise that voice even underwater.

“Inseong hyung?” His hand was still on mine and it sent chills all over my body.

I felt myself being ascended to the air, and instinctively I looked down at the shrinking ground.

“Don’t look down. I know it’s tempting,” Inseong chuckled, “but if you’re scared, you should close your eyes and imagine the good things. The things that calm you down, yeah? It will be over in a second, you’ll see.”

I shut my eyes tight, and I instantly felt nauseous. My ears pop at the increasing altitude as I tensed up my whole body. I thought that Inseong’s fingers would break if I held onto them for any tighter. My heart dropped and rose and dropped and rose. My organs seem to tangle up in me whenever there was a 360-degree spin.

I wanted to cry, but suddenly my brain pulled me backwards to the time when I fell asleep during Maths class. I remembered clearly how Inseong shook me gently and how he called me awake with a singsong. Somehow, I seemed to ignore everything else, and just focus on this memory.

I calmed down.

I don’t remember how long I was up there for, but it felt long enough that I swear to myself I am never going to Everland ever again.

When the machine finally decided to stop, I pushed the safety straps away with such force that the seat vibrated. I ran to the exit and vomited everything I ate this morning, and maybe some from last night as well. Don’t worry, I vomited in the washroom.

Just when I thought I was going to cough out my heart as well, I felt two hands patting my back vigorously.

“Yah Jaeyoon, I thought you said you’d be fine!” Youngbin chided like dad, and he might as well have been slapping me.

Great, I vomited in front of my roommate and my crush. How humiliating.

“Youngbin, get some water, I’ll stay with him.” Inseong rubbed my back gently and shooed Youngbin away.

I took a few deep breaths, and finally I think I emptied out everything. Inseong kept his hand on my back as he flushed the toilet. I sat on the ground and stared blankly into space.

Then I started sobbing.

I couldn’t help it. I thought maybe Inseong would scoff at how much of a coward I was, or maybe he would leave me here.

But instead, he pulled me up and gave me a hug.

“It’s okay Jaeyoon. I want you to know we’re friends now, and you don’t have to hide anything in front of me…”

I was in such a haze. All I remembered was I hugged back and when we finally left the washroom, Youngbin was in front of an ice cream truck.

“Hey guys! Over here! Let’s eat ice-cream!”

I looked at Inseong, and he returned a smile.

“Let’s go!” He grabbed my hand and together we ran.

Maybe Sundays aren’t that bad afterall.


	4. Day 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “No wonder why all the artists here chooses you as model. You can sit there like a rock for hours staring at Inseong.”

**Monday, July 9**

Somehow, yesterday seemed like a dream to me, because today in school I was still that pathetic Jaeyoon who stares at Inseong like a stalker.

I didn’t mind. I guess I was just accustomed to this kind of rhythm: Inseong would always be the moon and I would be the tide, going up and falling down obediently at his command.

But I guess Inseong had different ideas, because he kept trying to approach me in school.

I know he was just trying to be friendly, but I was still afraid. Frankly, I didn’t know what I was afraid of. Maybe afraid that he would hate my presence. Maybe I was scared of losing Inseong, after I gained him as a friend. Or maybe I was just afraid that my heart can’t handle the overwhelming emotions I hold for this man.

Anyway, today in Maths class, Professor Ha was absent, so we watched a three-hour movie about some genius kid mathematician somehow saving the world by using bunch of equations and formulas.

I didn’t really pay attention to the movie. Or rather, I _couldn’t._ I felt someone staring at me the whole lesson, and it wasn’t like I could just turn my head around to catch that person, because they would just avert their attention immediately. Plus, the room was dimmed for “theatre effects”.

Some part of me told me it was Inseong, because it was technically my fault he didn’t get to sit where he wanted – the seat next to mine.

Right when the movie started, he waved at me and signalled to the empty seat next to him. I would’ve been settled down by then if over half of the class didn’t swarm over to Inseong like bees and took all the possible adjacent seats.

Don’t blame me for having a crush on the most popular guy in school!

I ended up sitting with Chani and some other people.

Afterschool, there was the art club. I’m not a member of it – I had an assignment to draw an apple and it somehow ended up like a banana – but I still stayed to help, since they had an exhibition for the end of year ceremony.

Obviously, I was there because Inseong was. Most of the time I sit in front of a blank canvas and hold a paintbrush, pretending to paint so I don’t look like I came for nothing. No one ever calls me off, so I guess this trick works.

In reality, I had my chin on my palm (holding the paintbrush), elbow on the table, leg crossed, staring at Inseong making art. If he bites his lips, that meant he was trying to choose the correct starting point for his painting. If he sticks his tongue out, that meant he was finishing off his sketch. If he smiled, that meant he was carving or crafting.

Halfway through club time, I thought someone walked in through the door, but I didn’t pay much attention; it was probably just someone going to the washroom and coming back.

“Aha, Jaeyoon, I knew you were here!” I snapped my head back at the mention of my name, and saw the least unexpected person leaning on one of the counters.

“Youngbin hyung! Why are you here?” I walked over to him. It was way too early for him to come and pick me up.

“I forgot you had art club so I came early. I got bored of waiting so I came up to see what you guys do.” Youngbin paused and gave me that ‘dad’ smile he uses whenever he’s about to say something humiliating. “No wonder why all the artists here chooses you as model. You can sit there like a rock for hours staring at Inseong.”

If I had the guts, he’d already be rolling on the ground holding his balls screaming in agony.

But I didn’t, so my face looked as though I dipped my head into red paint when he literally screamed the last three words so everyone could hear.

Some people started snickering and it just made me more embarrassed. It didn’t help when Inseong actually stopped working just to look at me, either. He must think I’m some sort of obsessed crazy creepy mental addicted maniac.

“Hyung! Stop saying weird things! I was just daydreaming, alright?” I whined and hoped Youngbin gets the idea so he would stop humiliating me.

In my peripheral vision, I saw most people went back to drawing and Inseong seemed to smile, not looking at my direction anymore. I let out a sigh of relief, hoping they believe my lie about just daydreaming.

“Okay, okay. Should I go to the library so I don’t disturb you now?” For once, the words coming out of Youngbin’s mouth was comforting to hear.

“No, it’s okay. I shouldn’t keep you waiting. Let’s leave now, I’m not helping much in here anyways.”

Before he could protest, I pushed him out of the door.

When I closed the door gently, I looked through the window and saw Inseong sigh. Usually, sighing with a frown meant that his artwork is giving him trouble – maybe a wrong stroke here and there, or maybe someone splattered paint over it accidentally – but this time he had a bitter look on his face. He looked demotivated, or even discouraged somehow.

Huh. I’ve been with him for all sessions of art club, and yet I never saw him with this face.


	5. Day 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time flies, and I didn’t realise there was only two days before Inseong’s birthday, until I overheard Inseong’s conversation with another classmate afterschool.

**Tuesday, July 10**  

Time flies, and I didn’t realise there was only two days before Inseong’s birthday, until I overheard Inseong’s conversation with another classmate afterschool.

I was walking towards the elevators when I passed a random classroom and heard some noise. The conversation went something like this:

“Hey Inseong, are you having a birthday party this year?”

“I don’t think so… We’re too old for those anyways.”

“You think so? If it was my birthday, I’d invite the whole school!” A laugh erupted before he continued, “I’ll still get you a birthday present, though. What do you want?”

Inseong hesitated before saying, in a softer voice than usual, “you can’t get me what I want.”

He sounded so sad, and the image of him sighing in art club yesterday resurfaced itself in my mind. Maybe the same thing troubled him.

“I think I have the ability, otherwise my dad would. Just shoot. I’ll be your fairy godmother for today.” The other guy said in such a serious tone, but I could feel his humour - I wondered whom he is.

“I guess I just want what we all do,” Inseong laughed, but sighed before continuing, “to get a boyfriend, before, you know, before my student days end.”

“Considering there’s only four days left of school – and I’m sorry to say this but – I failed my job as a fairy godmother.”

I think I would’ve laughed if I wasn’t eavesdropping and if I didn’t have a massive crush on Inseong. In reality, I was just worrying about how on earth am I going to grant Inseong his birthday wish.

Nonetheless, Inseong laughed and filled the room with his angelic voice (I know I wasn’t in there but I could imagine).

“I told you. No one can give me what I want.”

“So you’re saying that no one in this school reaches your sky-high standards?”

A scoff. “Yeah right. As if _your_ standards are low. Anyway, it’s not like that. I already have a person in mind… The only thing I want is the courage do tell him.”

Again, Inseong sounded sad and defeated. I wonder again of yesterday; maybe he somehow lost his chance to confess again.

“Jeez, you make this sound like The Wizard of Oz. You know, the lion that wanted courage? And they had to follow the yellow brick road to-“ 

“Yes, Dawon, I watched the movie before, I know what it’s about. Thank you.” 

I almost laughed at that, but I had to keep quiet so I just smiled. No wonder the conversation was so funny. Dawon, the one and only class clown, was in it.

“So who’s your crush anyways?”

Suddenly the world seemed to fall on me, and instantly my happy expression was replaced with a distressed one. Of course, it’s not like I didn’t know Inseong had a crush – who doesn’t at this age – but if no one talked about it, then I get to ignore it and pretend he’s all mine. Now that someone pointed it out, my dream of a future with him seemed to get further and further away.

“I can tell you, but swear not to tell anyone, not yet anyways, okay?”

Dawon agreed and Inseong answered, but I didn’t stay long enough to listen. Instead, I was running towards the exit with tears running down my cheeks.


	6. Day 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was horrible, and painful, and I cried and cried and cried. But he used a cloth so all I did was gag. I tried pushing him off, but he tied me up, too. It still hurts now. I will cry again if I keep writing. But I have to… I had to. For Inseong…

**Wednesday, July 11**

It was horrible, and painful, and I cried and cried and cried. But he used a cloth so all I did was gag. I tried pushing him off, but he tied me up, too. It still hurts now. I will cry again if I keep writing. But I have to… I had to. For Inseong…

- 

This morning I went to school early, and spotted Dawon in the library. Since we knew each other, I didn’t hesitate to go and ask him who Inseong’s crush was. 

I guess I was not just pathetic Jaeyoon, but also naïve Jaeyoon, and ingenuous Jaeyoon, and gullible Jaeyoon, because I actually believed what he told me.

“Yi Siwoo.”

Yi Siwoo. The greatest playboy in school. It may have sounded like a joke, but I didn’t question Inseong’s taste. So, as idiotic as I am, I made a deal with Siwoo.

I managed to make him agree on having a date with Inseong and then to become his boyfriend until before Inseong graduates.

“You want me to date a stranger?” That was what he said, in such a cunning way.

I still haven’t figured out where I got my courage from, but I went as far as promising him _anything_ in return.

Of course. I had to be so impetuous… I knew what was in stake, but I still ran for it blindly.

At least I get Inseong’s happiness in return… right?

Tomorrow in school, I hope no one can notice my limp, or the marks on my skin, or how I wince every time I sit.


	7. Day 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I couldn’t care less about the people staring. Not when I’m broken down like this. I wished Youngbin came to take me away, before I drown myself in my own tears.

**Thursday, July 12**

It’s so agonizing. Please, someone, anyone, come save me…

As if yesterday wasn’t enough, now my heart hurts as well.

I ruined it. Not only Inseong’s last birthday in university, but I even managed to ruin his first kiss. And yesterday I was oh so confident about making it the _best_.

He probably hates me now.

When the last bell rang today, I waited outside the bathroom nearest to Inseong’s locker. That was where Siwoo would – supposedly – confess to Inseong and ask him on a date.

But of course that didn’t happen.

The plan said nothing about kabedon, yet Siwoo pushed Inseong into the lockers, and locked him in place with his arm and body.

Inseong was obviously surprised, but he didn’t say anything, not until Siwoo started to lean towards Inseong. My heart ached when I saw their close proximity, but I forced my eyes to stay open so I can see the joy on Inseong’s face – that is, if the plan actually worked.

“What are you doing?” He tried pushing Siwoo away but he was waaaaayyyy too gentle so Siwoo barely flinched.

“Happy Birthday, Inseong.” Then Siwoo licked his lips.

I do realize how much of a creep Siwoo sounds like in my writing, but that was exactly how he looked like.

“Um… thank you…” I could tell Inseong was trying to escape after saying that, but Siwoo yanked at his hand and into the bathroom they go.

It happened so fast, all I saw was a blur of what looked like textbooks scattering on the floor. Then, I heard a click, which meant Siwoo locked the bathroom door.

Yesterday, he told me to stand guard and make sure the bathroom was empty. I didn’t know why that was necessary, not until now.

I was getting wary from waiting. Inseong definitely didn’t look happy when he went inside.

I started cleaning up the mess they made to distract myself. 

It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine. It’s going to be fine. I kept mumbling that, because I was nervous. Never been so nervous in my life.

I’d know if the plan worked, because they would probably come out hand-in-hand, smiling at each other like dorks. Maybe their hair would be messy, too, considering they _are_ alone in an empty bathroom. Then they would officially become boyfriends and probably celebrate Inseong’s birthday tonight…

Then I saw my tears dripping onto the papers I’m holding, blurring the ink on it. Tears turned into streams, and not long later I’m sobbing like crazy, crouching in front of lockers in a sea of textbooks.

I couldn’t care less about the people staring. Not when I’m broken down like this. I wished Youngbin came to take me away, before I drown myself in my own tears.

I know it sounds ridiculous, but I started laughing. It struck me that I didn’t have the _right_ to cry – I’m no one to Inseong, yet I was crying like I lost my lover.

Pathetic.

Soon later, though, my laughing/crying was cut off with a loud BANG. Every by passer looked in the direction of the bathroom. I saw the door swing open and Inseong, red-faced, racing out.

“WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?! I KNOW LAWYERS AND I CAN SUE YOU FOR HARRASSMENT. GET READY TO GO TO JAIL.”

The words slapped me awake, and I stood up, using the wall for support. That was when I saw something shiny on Inseong’s face.

He was _crying_.

Realization hit me like a rock, and I almost collapsed on the floor again. I was _crazy_ to have let Siwoo bring Inseong into the bathroom.

What was _wrong_ with me?

“Chill, Inseong. What lawyer? I just _kissed_ you for fuck’s sake. I was gonna ask you out on a date. Isn’t that what you wanted?”

Siwoo stayed inside the bathroom. At least he knew better than to approach Inseong anymore.

“WHAT DATE? AND WHY WOULD I WANT THIS?!”

By now, people are surrounding us, some even with their phones out filming this. I cried even harder, and my breathing was getting really difficult. It’s hard to focus my vision with the tears blurring everything, but I was pretty sure Inseong started crying again, too.

Siwoo looked at me for an answer, but I couldn’t even keep my trembling hands still, not to mention to speak.

“You… you di- dick, that was… that was my first kiss. You fuckin… I was saving it for someone else… 7 years of waiting…” Inseong choked on sobs, but nothing can stop him when he’s angry.

Before Siwoo could say anything, Inseong snatched his textbook from my hands and ran away.

“ _I hate you.”_

Somehow, it feels like that sentence should be directed to me, instead of Siwoo. If I wasn’t so stupid, none of this would’ve happened, and Inseong would have a normal birthday. 

It was my entire fault.

It took Youngbin half an hour to find me, and another half to force me to get up and go home.

Time dragged on, so slowly and painfully. Even God wants to make sure I get to taste the bitterness of what I did wrong.

The suffocating feeling in my heart came back. But this time, it wasn’t because of jealousy.

It was because of guilt, and self-hatred.


	8. Day 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I feel tired from crying.

**Friday, July 13**

**04:00**

It’s four in the morning now. And I’m awake to write.

I feel horrible. How am I supposed to sleep, when the image of Inseong’s pained look keeps showing up whenever I shut my eyes?

I’m crying again. Crying because I’m a coward. Crying because I break everything and mess everything up without even trying. Crying because I bring nothing good to the world.

I feel tired from crying.

Maybe I should sleep now.

 

**16:00**

Inseong didn’t come to school today. Of course he didn’t. He’s probably traumatized. Traumatized because of me. He knew I’d be in school, so he’s avoiding me.

But what he didn’t know was, I also didn’t go to school, because I’m avoiding him.

Youngbin came home from work, and he woke me up. My whole body felt like jelly, but I checked my temperature and I didn’t have a fever.

Maybe I was too exhausted from crying and worrying and thinking and crying again. I think my brain fried, too, because I couldn’t say anything except for simple “yes” or “no”.

“Jaeyoon, I have a night shift tonight, you sure you’ll be okay?” Youngbin asked me while he was wearing his shoes.

I nodded.

Sorry, Youngbin. My brain was too preoccupied from thinking about Inseong.

When he left, I tried watching TV, or listening to music, or just staring out through the window. But I end up with Inseong intruding my brain anyways.

I spent the past four hours just thinking about him. What was wrong with me?

But then again, I think I spent the previous six years of my life thinking about him, too. These four hours seem nothing compared.

 

**20:00**

I decide to go to the pub. I never drink. I thought it’s stupid, thinking that drinking can solve all your problems and all your worries. But now, I don’t have a choice.

It’s my only way, my only solution, my only escape.

 

**21:00**

I’ve never drunk so much wine in my life. But it feels good.

At least I forgot what I was worried about an hour ago.

At least… at least I got to be happy in my dre


	9. 00:00

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “His name starts with a y and ends with a u.”

**00:00**

My head hurts, and I found myself in a hospital gown, on a hospital bed. I had no idea what happened to me after I went drinking.

I didn’t complete my last entry – I probably passed out while writing. 

I was about to call for the doctor when I saw – or rather, felt – something move next to me.

I almost screamed, when that thing put a hand on mine and whispered, “Jaeyoon, it’s me, Inseong.”

I remembered clearly how my body started responding like it used to: sweaty palms, increasing heart rate, and uneven breaths.

Yes, despite everything, I am still head over heels over this guy and nothing can stop me from falling for him all over again every time I see him. (I couldn’t really see his face that time but still)

I wanted to ask him why he was here, but, well, he wasn’t the one nervous about sitting next to a crush.

“You fell off the stairs of the pub and hit your head.” Inseong yawned. “Are you feeling better?”

Are you feeling better? Are you feeling better? Is that what he said? After what I did to him yesterday-

Oh right, he didn’t know it was me. He still thought it was Siwoo…

Inseong turned on the bedside lamp. The room was dim, but I saw his slightly frowning face. I saw worry in his eyes. He was worried about _me_. I was the bad guy. Everything bad that happened to him was because of _me_. But why is he still so nice to me? It wasn’t fair for him. It wasn’t fair for anyone.

I started crying again, because that seemed to be the only thing I was good at. Inseong got panicky and started searching for tissues. But I stopped him in his tracks by shouting.

“Inseong, don’t bother! Everything is my fault! My fault because I have an idiotic massive crush on you…”

I told him _everything_. All the way from the day I started to like him, to how I wanted to give him a birthday present, to how I overheard his birthday wish, to how I got raped, to how I ruined his first kiss, to how I tried drinking away my problems…

“I’m so- sorry. I’m so, so… sorry. I- I’m an idiot, a-and so pa-pathetic. I’m sorry, I’m- I’m an idiot. I’m sorry… I know, I know I’m an idi-“

I was choking and sobbing and wheezing. I thought saying everything out makes a person feel better. I guess that wasn’t the case in reality. It just made feel worse, if that was even possible.

Then, Inseong shut me up, by shouting even louder.

“YES JAEYOON. YES YOU ARE AN IDIOT, LISTEN TO ME FOR A FUCKING MINUTE.”

Then he flicked my head, and that was when my sobs quieted down.

“You said you overheard my conversation with Dawon?” He spoke in a tone like a teacher does to a student in trouble. 

I was still choking a little, so I just nodded. 

“And just like that you decided to gift me a ‘boyfriend’ on my birthday.” 

I nodded again.

“But you didn’t even stay long enough to know who my crush is!” Then he threw his hands into the air.

“Then who is it?”

I wasn’t sure what made me ask him. It wasn’t like I wanted to _know_. It would hurt even more. Maybe his authority scared me, so I just answered without thinking.

Anyway, his answer was so confusing.

“His name starts with a y and ends with a u.”

I started going through our school’s boys whose name starts with a y, but none of them has a name that ends with a u.

My head naturally rose up a bit to look at the ceiling, because that’s what I do when I think.

When I looked back at Inseong’s eyes to search for an answer, he grabbed my face with his big, warm hands and kissed me hard.

I was frozen in spot, and thought this was some sort of mistake. Inseong pulled back when I didn’t respond, and rolled his eyes.

“It’s _you_ , you idiot.”

Then he kissed me again, and this time I managed to reciprocate. I never kissed before, and I always thought I did it wrong. We are boyfriends now, and he told me I was the best kisser in the world. But that has to be fake, because he never really kissed _that_ many people, either. 

Anyway, I shouldn’t be going off track.

His lips are so soft, like marshmallows. So sweet, like chocolate. So warm, like home. He had his hand on my shoulder, and another on my waist. I leaned in for more and my fingers twirled around his hair strands, messy from sleeping.

The kiss wasn’t rough, it wasn’t desperate. Inseong knew exactly what I wanted. He still knows.

Then, we both tasted something wet. We both had tears running down our cheeks. It wasn’t salty, it wasn’t bitter. It was sweet.

When we finally stopped to catch our breaths, I think I fainted from joy, or maybe my heart was too weak, or maybe it was just because of my head injury.

Anyhow, that was the best night I had in days.


	10. Day 0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I reached my hand up to touch my head bandage. Instantly memories came flying to me, and only then did I realize I was cramped on a single bed with another human.

**Saturday, July 14**

Once again, I was woken up by a throbbing headache, even worse than last night. But in the same time I feel light inside, like I lifted a burden I’ve been carrying for years.

And most of all, I felt weirdly happy. It was like having a thick layer of storm clouds surrounding me, and suddenly they opened up for the sun to shine through, _that_ kind of happiness.

I reached my hand up to touch my head bandage. Instantly memories came flying to me, and only then did I realize I was cramped on a single bed with another human.

I yelped and sat up.

I slept with Inseong last night??

Me. Inseong. Slept on the same bed.

I felt like I would just have a heart attack and faint right there, and then the kiss came back to me.

I sneaked a peek at Inseong sleeping, and my face heated up instantly. His mouth was slightly open, and eyelids fluttering. I found my hand reaching out to stroke his hair, when the door to my room opened.

I snatched my hand back and saw a young doctor approaching me.

“Good morning, Lee Jaeyoon-ssi. I see you already woke up, and that’s great! Did you have a good night’s sleep?”

“Uh… Yes, thank you.” I started playing with my fingers nervously. He didn’t seem to notice Inseong was still sleeping next to me. Or maybe he just kept things quiet.

He scribbled something onto his clipboard, looked up at my bedside table, looked at me, and looked back down again.

“You forgot to take your pills yesterday?”

To my right, I saw a small cup with two pills inside, waiting for me. I understood what he meant, but somehow I didn’t know the answer to it. I didn’t really _forget_ , because I didn’t _know_ I had to take them in the first place.

Plus, last night…

“It’s alright, Jaeyoon-ssi. Just take them now and remember to do so tonight. You will be discharged tomorrow first thing in the morning.”

Nothing more said, he left the room in a hurry, probably having to check on other patients as well.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding, and somehow that woke Inseong up.

He yawned, rubbed his eyes, stretched, and sighed. If only his ears twitched, too, I would’ve called him a fox. 

“Good morning, Jaeyoon.” He smiled at me with droopy eyes.

“Mo-morning.” I was still really nervous around him, and my ears turned red again.

He seemed amused, because he smiled and pecked my lips. Every cell of my body is screaming like they’re on drugs or something.

“You know, you don’t have to be so scared of me anymore. I don’t bite.” He ruffled my hair and jumped out of bed to get me a cup of water.

I didn’t know what to say, so my heart decided for me.

“Inseong… I really really like you." 

He laughed and said, “yes I know. I really really like you, too, Jaeyoon.” 

I was blushing madly and I had to distract myself by taking my medicine.

“Does your head hurt?” Inseong gently placed his hand on my wound, sending chills all over my body.

“Not really. Not when I’m preoccupied… with you.” With Inseong’s face inches from mine, I couldn’t help but get captured in his shiny brown orbs – a whole different universe.

“When did you learn to say things _that_ cheesy?” He pulled away and laughed.

I smiled along with him, and in the corner of my eye I saw my phone screen light up with a calendar notification.

 

**_Inseong’s Graduation Ceremony. 10:30._ **

****

I quickly turned my head to look at the clock – which was a bad idea because my headache came back along with dizziness – and it read 9:53.

I still had no idea which hospital I was in, so I had no idea if Inseong was going to make it or not. Still, I hastily pushed him out of the door.

“You have to leave now, hyung. You’re graduating! Stop whining like a kid.” I stuffed his coat and his bag into his arms, using my free hand to close the door.

“Wait!” I kept the door open and waited.

“Can I kiss you?” He smiled sheepishly. 

My first instinct was to slam the door at him because I was so flustered, but in truth, I wanted to kiss him, too.

So I let go of the door and wrapped my arms around his neck, pulling him towards me, until our lips met. He dropped everything on the floor and hugged me by the waist, deepening the kiss.

Why does this feel like heaven?


	11. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Just the Epilogue, guys. ;)

**Sunday, July 15**

The moment I was discharged from the hospital, Youngbin kicked me out of his house and told me to live with Inseong.

I went with it, of course. (because otherwise I’ll be homeless)

With a smaller Band-Aid stuck on my head standing in front of Inseong’s apartment, I suddenly felt self-conscious about my looks. Quickly, I took my phone out and fixed my bangs for the millionth time in the past twenty minutes.

Finally I was happy with the correct placement of every single hair. Then I started fidgeting because I wouldn’t know what to say when we come face to face.

I was deciding between “Hi hyung, Youngbin hyung kicked me out…” and “Inseong, I missed you so much” when the door swung open, revealing a messy haired Inseong – much like the one from last night – holding a garbage bag.

“Jaeyoon? What are you doing- why do you have so much luggage with you?” He looked at my bags on the ground and then up at me. “Are you _leaving_?”

Then he threw his garbage bag on the ground and hugged me, so tight I couldn’t breathe.

“I’m not accepting your farewell! I’m not letting you leave!” He kept shaking his head, making me smile because he never sounded so childish before.

I wanted to explain what was going on, but he wouldn’t let me.

“You are finally mine and I won’t let you leave my side that easily.” Then he paused… I swear I heard a sniff. “I love you, Jaeyoon, you know that, so don’t go, please…”

I was so scared he was going to cry, because I would cry, too. I pushed him away and wiped away the single tear that managed to escape from his eyes.

“Hey, did you have a nightmare or something? I’m not _leaving_ , pabo. I was kicked out of my own house by Youngbin, and he told me to move in with you.”

I didn’t know one was capable of switching emotions so quickly until Inseong showed me. His moist eyes suddenly lit up, turning big and round, no longer threatening to shed tears. His lips were no longer trembling, but instead replaced with a bright smile.

Most of all, he was no longer standing there, but instead already helping me move the luggage inside. 

Although I was shaking my head, I couldn’t stop smiling as I walked into my new home, closing the door behind me.

 

**12-07-2018**

It has been a nearly a year since Inseong and Jaeyoon became boyfriends. Jaeyoon was preparing a breakfast feast for him, humming a tune that belonged to Inseong’s newest song.

They are both singers now, but Jaeyoon often found himself more proud of Inseong than he was of himself.

Anyhow, Jaeyoon was finishing off the pancakes when he felt arms sliding around his waist, slightly tickling him.

“Morning, Jaeyoonie~” 

“Happy birthday, lazy fox.” 

Inseong rested his chin on Jaeyoon’s shoulder, and although he couldn’t see, Jaeyoon knew his boyrfriend was pouting at the new nickname. 

“Aaahhhh” Inseong saw the completed dishes and opened his mouth, willing for Jaeyoon to feed him. 

“Did you brush your teeth yet?” Jaeyoon questioned, eyeing him in a teasing way. 

Inseong nodded eagerly, mouth still open. Jaeyoon rolled his eyes and left a small kiss on the fox nose.

“Set the table and I’ll let you eat.”

Inseong shut his mouth with yet another pout, and went to do as he was told to. Jaeyoon chuckled at his cute boyfriend and took off his apron.

Sometimes he just thinks that he is the luckiest person on earth to be able to live with such a precious human being. His heart swells up with love at the smallest things: a touch, a smile, a secret only shared between them.

He didn’t realise he was staring, when Inseong started to get impatient.

“Yah, I know I’m breath-taking, but I’m starving as well. So please, honey, can you bring the pancakes here? You can stare at me while eating.”

Sometimes he wonders, what even made him fall uncontrollably in love with this guy in the first place?

As he set the plates down on the table, Jaeyoon asked, “So, what do you want to do today?”

“God, Jaeyoon, you make the _best_ pancakes in Korea!” Inseong stuffed his face with pancake, totally ignoring Jaeyoon’s question.

“I’m asking where you want to go, Inseong.” The pink-haired crossed his arms in a jokingly manner.

“Just admit it. You love it when I compliment you.” He stopped eating and smirked.

Jaeyoon couldn’t help but get flustered, and he slapped Inseong gently on the head.

“Ouch!” Inseong rubbed his head, and Jaeyoon glared at him.

“Alright, alright. I’ve been thinking of going to the amusement park again. You’ll go with me, right?” Inseong gave his best puppy eyes, earning a sigh from Jaeyoon.

“Right. I’ll do _anything_ for you, birthday boy. No wonder they call you a fox.”

Inseong stuck his tongue out, but he didn’t mind Jaeyoon calling him a fox, not even a little. He thought it was cute.

“But first, Jaeyoonie... You have to repay my birthday gift you ruined last year.” Again, a sly smile crept up his face.

Jaeyoon thought he could get away with it, but, well, it wasn’t so easy to outsmart Inseong.

So, the empty plates were left abandoned on the dining table, and they went into their room…

- 

That night, Jaeyoon sat at his desk, writing the last entry of Inseong’s and his own love story. Occasionally, he would look at Inseong, sleeping soundly on their bed, and smile.

Reading through all the previous diaries, Jaeyoon realized just how much he experienced, how much he went through, how much he had to give up for Inseong.

His pride. His time. His happiness. His virginity. And almost his life.

Then he wrote down the last paragraph to end this book.

 

_It was like walking on thin ice. Very dangerous. Every step forward increases the chance of falling deep down below into the sea, and never to be mentioned again. I could’ve walked to safety, but I didn’t. I should’ve listened to the rules, did as I was told to, but I didn’t. I risked everything that I had, but I never regretted a second of it, because here I am now, happily living with my boyfriend._


End file.
